Breathe
by AryanaQ
Summary: When Nikita left, Alex was left to mend her broken heart. But now Nikita was back and Alex could finally breathe... I don't know if I got the rating right, being new at this, so, please, tell me if I have to rate it differently. Thank you!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Nikita or any of the characters. Just the idea for this fiction

Hello! This is my very first attempt at writing a fan fic, so I'm afraid it won't be exactly what I had in mind ) I came up with the idea after 4x01. Although I am proud of Alex's decision to stay in Mumbai, it was totally the right decision, I just had this secret wish she would just come back for a bit. The characters are mainly OOC I think, but I wanted to write this story like this, to feed my soul so to speak ) Also, English is not my native language, so I'm sorry in advance if this makes your reading difficult!

_**Chapter 1**_

"Nikita has come out of hiding"… Alex sat on the sofa in her hotel room, trying to write her speech for the next meeting, but Sonya's words were the only thing going through her mind right now!

_Oh, this is useless…_she said, putting away the laptop.

Initially, she decided to stay on mission because that was what Nikita would want and it was the best thing to do if she wanted to help her. And she did. But how could she do that? Three months ago, when Nikita left, she fell apart. It was the last straw for her. She felt sad, abandoned, angry, confused, worried, but most of all…guilty! She wanted to leave everything behind and go look for her, help her, protect her…... but Alex had a good mentor and she knew better, she knew that it wouldn't do any good, that it would put Nikita, herself and her friends in more danger. She was most likely constantly watched and she could have led Amanda straight to Nikita. Instead she stayed, agreed to work with the UN and dedicated every second of it trying to stop human trafficking and, most of all, trying to find The Shop in order to clear her friend's name. So what was she supposed to do now? She knew what she should do. She should stay in Mumbai and continue tracking The Shop. But what about what she felt she wanted to do? She desperately needed to see Nikita, hear her voice and make sure she is ok. Sure, Sonya was a great friend, they became very close since working together and she was very grateful for this newly found friendship. Alone in Mumbai, with a heavy burden on her shoulders and dangers lurking around every corner, Sean dead and her friends on the other side of the world, Alex was really glad Sonya was there with her. But who could she talk to like she used to talk to Nikita? Who could, with one look, word of advice or a warm embrace, ease her fears and give her clarity? Nobody! Sure, they've had their rough patch, failed in communicating to one another, even fought against each other, but at the end of the day they've always found their way back. It was inevitable. There was a bond there, something inexplicable, beyond words or reasoning, that would always make them gravitate back towards each other. So what the hell was she supposed to do?

_Wow, you must be far, far away right now, _Sonya said leaning against the door frame.

_What? _Alex said, suddenly snapping back to reality and looking rather puzzled at Sonya. _Ooh, right, sorry…yeah…I was just…_

_Let me guess, thinking about Nikita. _Sonya slowly sat down on the couch next to Alex.

_Yeah…I was just beginning to come to terms with her leaving and now this…... I mean it's just like Nikita to do this, you know? She sure knows how to make an entrance… I mean, don't get me wrong, I am happy she came back, I can finally breathe easy knowing that she is alive! I admit I was angry when she left, but in the end I understood why she did it. I would have probably done the same thing. But what am I supposed to do now? I mean, I know what I should do. Stay here and fight like hell to get to the bottom of this, _Alex said while pacing back and forth in the room.

_Then what is the problem, Alex? _Sonya asked, knowing very well what was going on inside her friend right now.

_The problem is that I want, no, I __**need**__ to see her. I need to see with my own eyes that she is ok, Sonya. I've been worried sick, I've had nightmares and I fought like hell not to go find her. I just….__**need**__ to see her… _Alex said, whipping out a lone tear on her face. _So what do I do?_

_Well, we can set up a video call as soon as she is on the plane. You two can talk, you'll see she's ok and maybe that will put you at ease._

_Sonya…you're right, I know, it's the logical thing to do, but….I don't know how to explain this to you…this need to see her…it's beyond me….oh, God, what the hell do I do…._Alex said slumping back into the couch.

_Sounds to me you already know what to do, Alex, _Sonia said, taking Alex's hands in hers. _One day won't harm our mission here and you need to do this to continue your work. I'll book the next flight to the States and I'll tell Birkhoff to meet us at the rendezvous point, ok? _

A small, hopeful smile graced Alex's face. _Ok…I just hope Nikita won't be too disappointed that I didn't stay on mission…._

_Alex, Nikita would never be disappointed in you, you must know that. Don't let these crazy ideas come back! You know why she left and it had nothing to do with disappointment. What you did was a consequence of Amanda's sick mind games, Nikita knows that and even in your darkest moments, when you fought her so hard, she stood by your side, defended you and brought you back with us. She loves you. So Nikita being disappointed in you…well, hell will freeze and pigs will fly until that happens!_

Alex bursted into a fit of laughter, Sonia could always cheer her up when she had a bad moment. _Well, you and Birkhoff are clearly the same in the sarcasm department. _

_Oooh, trust me, no one can compare to him at that, _Sonya said smiling. _Better?_

_Much… thank you Sonya…_

_Anytime, Miss Udinov! _Sonia said with a smile and went to make the necessary arrangements to head back to the States.

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Sooo, I hope you enjoyed the first chapter. Review if you want. Bad reviews, good reviews, all are welcomed and much appreciated. It may help me in the future.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Chapter 2**_

Silence…silence was what filled the huge space of the airplane, their home quarters. Birkhoff was sitting in front of his computer, Ryan was staring at his "wall of craziness", but neither of them could properly concentrate. They were both thinking about the very recent events. Nikita was back! Their once leader, their friend, the person who brought them all together and for whom they were currently fighting something beyond their comprehension was back. The one who was most involved in this fight, but then left. Ryan understood her. After all, he was the analyst, the level headed, the voice of reason. He understood her and tried to make the others understand, too. Birkhoff, on the other hand, was pissed. And man, was he ever! Sure, he knew Nikita's selflessness and need to protect the ones close to her. But this was bigger than her, bigger than them all, so their only chance to figure things out and stay alive in the process was to stay together and fight. So right now, Birkhoff was determined to give her a piece of his mind once she was in front of him. But when the doors of that airplane opened, when he saw Nikita's fragile figure, all battered and with blood on her hands, when he looked into her eyes and saw nothing but pain, all his pent up anger flew through the roof. His eyes filled with unshed tears and all he could do was stare at his closest friend, watching her leaning on Michael for support and trying to hide her physical and internal pain. Trying to breathe.

Nikita was silent. What could she say to these people? The people who were her family, with whom she fought side by side and managed to take down Division, the people who stood by her and supported every crazy decision she made and every insane plan she had…the people who she left behind. Of course, she had her reasons, very powerful ones, but, in the end, she left them. So what could she say now? "Hey, I'm back? I'm sorry? How have you been all this time?" So all she could do was keep her head down, not daring to look at them. Michael was the first to speak.

_I'll go get the medical kit to properly clean your wound. Try not to leave while I'm gone!_

Hearing his words, Nikita forgot about the pain in her arm, because Michael words hurt much, much more. He was the love of her live, the love she never thought she'd have when she understood what her life as a Division agent was going to be like. They came such a long way, been through so much only to end up like this. Together, yet worlds apart. Not knowing what to say to each other, unable to look each other in the eyes. She knew Michael was deeply hurt and that his feelings for her kept him from understanding her reasons for leaving. Sure, he knew them, but he couldn't understand. She vividly remembered him saying, during one of their missions, when she drugged him in order to go alone after their target, that if she did that again, leave him behind, their relationship would be over. So she was fully aware of the consequences when she left. It hurt like hell, but she had to do it. She loved him too much to be responsible for his death. Hell, she was willing to kill the president of the United States for him. So his words stung more than any bullet wound, but she took it all in. She closed her eyes to stop the tears, kept her head down and didn't say a word. She was empty and didn't know what to say. Suddenly she felt a strong hand on her chin lifting her head up. She opened her eyes and took a deep breath when she saw her nerdy, brave, impossibly smart friend standing in front of her with misty eyes. It was all it took to make those damn tears run freely on her face.

She's been through so much the last few days, not sleeping, not eating, almost killed and then this…this was too much. She wanted to run and disappear forever. But then Birkhoff opened his arms and enveloped her in the biggest hug ever and all she wanted to do was to stop the time. Instead she cried, she cried more than she ever cried in her life. She needed it, she needed to let it all out in order to clear her head. Birkhoff allowed her the time to settle down and when she did, he helped her sit down on the nearest chair.

_Well…hi…_Birkhoff said in his normal sarcastic voice

_Hi, _Nikita said with a small smile. _Sorry you had to see me…you know…break down like that…I just…_

_Stop, this is the one thing you don't need to apologize for. Sure, there are some things you would have to grovel for a long time to make up to, but not this._

Nikita smiled, Birkhoff could always put a smile on her face, no matter how hard things were. He was also the one who could always tell her the nasty truth in her face. She really loved him for that.

_Thank you…really…_

_I know…_

Nikita took another deep breath and looked behind Birkhoff, where Ryan stood silently, smiling understandingly at her.

_Well, let's hear it. Let it all out, I can take it, Nikita said with a sad voice._

Ryan came and sat down next to her. He took her hands in his, looked her in the eyes and said:

_Welcome home!_

Nikita was blown away. No judgment, no harsh words, no cold stare, just kindness. She was humbled. She hugged Ryan and thanked him for understanding.

_I understand…I don't approve of what you did, but I understand…you are too selfless for your own good, Nikita. I really hope you are planning to stay this time, because we're fighting something we can't even begin to comprehend and we need all the manpower we can get. We need you…and you need us._

_I know…..I'm not going anywhere this time, trust me…_

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_If you could review it, it would be great! Thanks_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Chapter**_ 3

Michael was silently tending to Nikita's wound and all she could do was stare at him. His face was all business, taking her back to her first days inside Division, when he was her handler. It was killing her inside to see him like this, to know she hurt him so much, but there was nothing she could do right now. They had to focus on bigger things for the time being, but she knew that at some point, they will have to talk, figure things out between them and see if there was any hope for their relationship. She really hoped there was. A life without Michael was no life. Even when she left, knowing that it was over between them, she still hoped that somehow, some day, when the danger was gone, if they were still alive, they would find their way back to each other. Hope was what kept her going all these months when she was alone, on the run, exhausted and wanting to give up.

_All done. It was through and through so it should heal in a few days. I can't do nothing about the pain though, but you'll get used to it_, _I know I did. _

_It's ok, I'll deal with it, thank you._

Michael stood up to leave, but Nikita grabbed his hand and rose to her feet to stand face to face with him.

_Michael…I've missed you…so much…_Nikita said with a trembling voice. _I know right now this means nothing to you, but once this fight is over, I want us to figure things out. Clearing my name and being free doesn't mean anything without you. My reasons for leaving are still reasons and I regret hurting you … so much… but I'd do it again because it was to keep you and everybody safe. But even if I left, when all this madness would have been over, I would have come back for you. Please, try to understand me. Tell me you wouldn't have done the same thing? Don't give up on us…fight for us…_

_Nikita…I am in this fight…to stop Amanda…I am here to help you and help all of us to get our lives back, but I am done fighting for us…..Get some rest, you'll need it._

Nikita closed her eyes and fell back into the chair. She was broken, shattered, tired and sad beyond words. Her fight for Michael will most likely prove to be the hardest battle of her life.

_What did you expect? Rose petals, scented candles and a sex marathon? _Birkhoff said, coming out of nowhere and sitting next to her.

Despite all the sadness in her heart, Nikita couldn't help but laugh.

_Birkhoff, you are irreplaceable. Please remember that and try not to get killed in the heat of battle. _

_Duly noted, captain!_

_Oh, god, this is such a mess…where do we even start? Nikita said, taking a deep breath._

_Well, you should start by taking a shower and getting some sleep. You'll need it for later. You think what just happened was hard? Wait until the Russian heiress, best known as the new Batman, arrives. Boy, I don't want to be around for that!_

_What? You said Alex was in Mumbai, hot on the trail of The Shop. _

_Was, is about right. Last I spoke to Sonya, who apparently is the new Robin, she was booking tickets for the first available flight here. They must be on the plane back right now._

_Whaaat? Alex is c coming? She can't do that! She has a mission! She knows better, I thought her better….._Nikita said, panic rising in her voice. She knew how shattered Alex was when she left and she worried about her the most. It was the thing that haunted her more than anything while in hiding. Not knowing if Alex will recover or throw her life away. She knew Alex was a survivor and a strong person, maybe stronger than her, but what happened would be too much for anyone. So having to face Alex, after leaving her behind to deal with all that mess, was terrifying. What is she going to be like? Cold, resentful, angry? Knowing Alex she will probably be the exact opposite of that. She will be forgiving, understanding, supportive and that was even scarier.

_Niki, calm down. This is not about Alex's mission, is about you facing her after you know…left her right after Sean died, all battered and broken, still recovering from Amanda's mind tricks._

_Wow, you really know how to put a girl at ease, don't you?_

_Well, for your information, I do, but right now I don't want to. Because as much as I love you and try to understand you and not make nasty comments about you leaving, the fact is that you did. And ok, it's behind us now and all, I'll get past it…eventually…but right now I'm kind of team Alex, you know?_

_I know…but would you please switch teams for a few moments and give me a heads up? For old time's sake, you know? What happened to her after I left?_

_I really don't think it is my place to tell you anything, Niki . Alex wouldn't want me to and, as I said, right now I am in her corner…_

_Nerd, I swear that if don't tell me everything right now, I will have to get all Amanda on you and that's a scary thought even for me!_

_Well, I guess if you put it that way…. Let me tell you something and pay close attention. I think that by now you are fully aware of the impact your leaving had on us._

_You think?_

_Well, miss Legendary, you don't know the worst._

_Really? Than what does the situation with Michael qualifies for?_

_It qualifies for bad, really, really bad! But Alex's situation was 10 times worse!_

_Ok, now you're scaring me. Tell me already._

_Nik…you LEFT her! YOU left her! Not me, not Michael or Ryan. YOU! You saved her, gave her life back, freed her from the drugs, mentored her, trained her, gave her something to live for, a purpose in life, you started this fight together and then…YOU left her behind! Fortunately, now she's come to a point where she understands your reasons, but believe me when I say that for a whole month she was a dead man walking. She lost Sean when she finally found love, she blamed herself for that, she was still suffering from Amanda's mind games, she was confused, hurt, depressed, angry. Do you know how hard it was to get her back on track? We took turns in watching her so she wouldn't do something stupid. One time we had to physically stop her so she wouldn't come after you. I still don't know what stopped her from trying again, but thank God she didn't. She had nightmares every single night! She would wake up screaming, crying and asking for YOU, Niki! And every time we had to tell her you were gone, because her brain was so screwed that she couldn't remember it. Every time WE had to hurt her by telling her you were gone! WE had to do that! It is a miracle she didn't relapsed. And she probably would have if she would have been able to leave the safe house and get herself something to knock her off. We were all here for her, but YOU were not! The one person she needed most was not here for her. _

Nikita took in every word and she cried when she thought there were no more teas left in her. She couldn't say anything more, she was speechless. Alex…her best friend, her redemption, the kind, brave, strong girl that she saved and who saved her in return…she hurt her so deeply…..

_But…but you said she is ok now, right? _Nikita said with a bit of hope in her voice.

_She is, fortunately. Sonya helped a lot and her new job for the UN gave her purpose. She does it for herself and for you! To help clear your name! But even if she is better, she is not completely healed. Sonya tells me she still has nightmares. Less frequent now, but still….so please, when she comes, talk to her. Knowing her like I do, she won't want to tell you what she's been through, she'll dismiss it like it was nothing because she doesn't want you to feel guilty. But please, talk to her, make her talk, by force if necessary. I know that the past few months haven't been a walk in the park for you either, but for her…it's been a journey through hell. _

And with that, Birkhoff went to his computer to resume his work, leaving a broken and tired Nikita to ponder on his words. After a while she decided to take his advice and went to take a shower and some much needed sleep. After all, she'll need a clear head for her talk with Alex.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Chapter 4**_

Nikita woke up in a panic, her whole body in fight mode. Where was she? She looked around and then she remembered it all. She was back with her team, her family, her love. She allowed herself to relax, looked at the watch and saw that she slept for a whole night. Boy, talk about exhaustion! She heard faint voices coming from their makeshift office and she just took a second to let it all in. As much as she didn't want to involve them in this situation, it was so, so good to feel safe again, to be part of the team. Time spent on the run was frightening, exhausting and lonely as hell. It was the thing that consumed her the most, loneliness… She left the warmth of her bed, got dressed and decided to find something to eat because her stomach was kind of angry right now. Heading for the common work space, she stopped dead in her tracks. Alex! Alex was there! Beautiful, poised and looking better than ever. She and Michael were talking and Nikita stood there, in the shadows, listening.

_Michael, are you really ok? You know you can't hide from me, big brother! _Alex said with a smile. _Don't try to be the brave one, don't put up your walls, talk to me! I know how hard this has been for you, remember?_

_Alex, I love you, but right now you need to back off and let this go! I have to deal with this myself, you know that._

_I know…..but never forget that I am here for you…always…_

_I know…unlike other people …_

Nikita cringed at his words. He was so cold towards her since her arrival. No nice words, no "how have you been all this time", nothing but coldness, all business…Well, she deserved it, but she couldn't help feeling sad and a little bit upset. She did this for them, after all. She was ready to kill the president for him, to die for him. Why couldn't he understand?

_Michael…_you know that Nikit…..

_Why are you here anyway, Alex? You had a mission in Mumbai and you left to come see her? What you are doing there is important for everyone. I thought you knew better. _

_I know, Michael, I know better, but….what's here it's also important…to me! I know you don't understand, but it is how it is and I'm here now, so let it go. I'll be back in Mumbai tomorrow and everything will be fine!_

_Alex….you never learn your lesson, do you? What if she leaves again? What then? You barely survived the last time, what will happen to you this time? You are all excited and happy and hopeful now, but what if she leaves again?_

_She won't!_

_You don't know that! She did it once, what would stop her to do it again?_

_Michael…I'm not sure about anything in my life anymore, this situation we are in…we could get killed in any moment. But if Nikita came back, fully aware that she'll put a target on our backs again, I am sure that she won't leave this time. I am sure that if she left to protect us, now she will stay for the very same reason. To make sure we stay alive! I trust her and you should to…_

_Alex, you're too trusting for your own good…_

_I may be, but trusting Nikita it's not even a choice anymore, it's just how I feel. It's in me. Not trusting her would be like not trusting myself…..Open your eyes, Michael. She did this out of love, understand this before it's too late…_

_Alex, you don't kn…_

_Michael, let her be! I know you are deeply hurt right now, angry and frustrated, but don't take this on Alex. She doesn't deserve it. If you want to be pissed off with somebody, well, here I am, let it out!_ Nikita said coming out from her hiding spot, with a determined look on her face. Alex defended her and she couldn't believe it. After all that happened, Alex still defended her, trusted her completely. As sad as she was at Michael's words, she couldn't help but feel so proud of Alex and so happy that such a person existed in her life. She felt a little bit of hope again. Hope that they will get through this and then they can live again.

Everybody stopped what they were doing and turned to see Nikita standing behind them. Ryan gave her a sad look, but didn't say anything and Birkhoff cleared his throat and excused himself, not wanting to get involved between the three musketeers.

_Well, I'll let you two talk, but remember Alex, you've been warned! Ryan, I need you help with something and we need to go now, _Michael said and left with Ryan.

Nikita stood there, just a few feet from Alex, lost for words. What could she say? I'm sorry would be the understatement of the year! She swallowed hard, cleared her throat and tried to speak

_Alex…I…I….. _

But she didn't have the chance to say nothing more because she found herself enveloped in a hug that took her breath away. She was stunned, frozen to the spot and it took her a few good seconds to realize what was happening and hug Alex back. The girl in her arms was sobbing and it broke Nikita's heart in million pieces.

_It's ok, Alex, let it all out, I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere. I am here for you …_Nikita said, gently caressing Alex's hair.

After a few minutes, Alex composed herself, took a step back and touched Nikita's face like she was seeing a ghost.

_You're alive! You're alive…..and I can breathe again…._

_I am…barely, but I am…_

_How….what have…where have you been? _

_Everywhere! When I left I had no plan or destination in mind. All that I could think of was "how am I suppose to do this?". I couldn't stay in one place more than one day. My face was on every news channel and billboard everywhere. I honestly don't know how I managed to escape the authorities for so long. I guess I have to thank Division for all that training now. It paid off…_

_God, that must have been exhausting!_

_You have no idea….but how are you? I heard you are working for the UN now, being the new Batman or something, _Nikita said smiling and whipping Alex's cheeks.

_Yeah, I am! It's good for me you know. It gave me a purpose in life again. I can finally be who I am, Alexandra Udinov, and use my name to save others. It's not easy, but I can handle it._

_I have no doubt about it, _Nikita proudly said.

_But most of all, I do this for you, to bring them down and clear your name. When things get hard I think about you and it all becomes clear again. Nikita…I've missed you so much! _

_I know, Alex, I know…..I've missed you too, all of you and…I'm sorry for…_

_No, you don't have to apologize to me! I understand why you did what you did, I would have probably done the same thing…you always put others before yourself, always protecting us and that's something not many people can do! I am with you 100 percent, Nikita! Don't ever doubt that!_

_Thank you…_Nikita said with tears in her eyes, hugging Alex again. _But Alex, we need to talk._

_Yeah…I know, I left Mumbai, I didn't stay on mission like you taught me. I know you must be disappointed, but Nikita…._

_Alex, stop! What are you talking about? Disappointed? In you? Never! Do you hear me, NEVER, Alex! And don't you ever say that again or I will kick your ass so hard that you will fly faster than this plane!_

_Oh my God, _Alex said laughing, _just one day back and you already start to sound like Birkhoff!_

_Right? Weird, huh? Now I'm really scared!_

Both girls laughed at that thought, forgetting for a few moments how completely messed up their lives were. It felt good to both of them to just enjoy each other's company; it gave them a new sense of hope for the future.

_I am so glad you are here, Alex! I was kind of scared to face you, you know? When Birkhoff told me what happened to you after I…_

_Wait, what? Birkhoff told you? What did he tell you? Why did he tell you? It wasn't his business to tell you anything! Oh, my God, I will kill him, I swear! Why can't he just mind his own business?_

_Alex…._

_No, Nikita, it wasn't his place to tell you anything!_

_But Alex, it is his place…He was here for you when I wasn't, he dealt with it all, he had to put you back together, not me…I left…_

_Nikita…._

_Alex, it's the truth and I have to face it…and I want us to talk! I want to know everything! You have to let it out or it will eat you inside. We've made that mistake before, avoiding to talk. Let's not make it again. And don't be mad at Birkhoff. He made it clear to me that he was Team Alex or something. And I also kind of forced him to tell me what happened._

_Team what? What teams? There are no teams here! We're all a team, Nikita!_

_I know that and he knows it, too. He's just worried about you, that's all. And he'll do anything to protect you, to make sure you won't have to deal with that kind of pain again. Apparently everybody thinks that I will hurt you again…I guess I understand them…but Alex, I made the choice to leave because there was no other choice at that moment for me. I was the most wanted woman in the world, Alex. And I don't speak about the authorities here. The real danger was and still is Amanda! You know that. I couldn't put you in Amanda's sights! I love you all too much and being responsible for your deaths is something I could have never lived with. It was on me to get to the bottom of this. So I did the only thing I could think of to protect all of you. I left. And as sorry as I am for disappointing and hurting you all so much and in so many different ways, I will never be sorry for choosing to protect you. I just hope you will be able to forgive me for that someday…._

_Nikita….look at me, _Alex said lifting Nikita's head up. _What you just said…I know it all…they all do…and it's not about forgiveness…but you said that our deaths would have been yoru death, too. That you couldn't stand knowing we were in danger. So what makes you think that we don't feel the same way about you? What makes you think that we would have survived your death? What makes you think Michael would've coped with your death better than you with his? What makes you think I would have been able to go on without you in my life? Don't you see? The need you feel to protect us, to keep us alive, it's the same for us, Nikita. Don't you think it's a little bit selfish to think that only you can care for us so deeply and we can't for you? Don't you know us by now? We are here for you, the same way you would be for any of us. We're in this fight together, there is no other way…_Alex said with such warmth in her voice, that it broke Nikita's heart all over again. When she saved Alex from her miserable life, she never in a million years would have imagined that the girl would become such a huge, vital part of her life.

_Oh, Alex…..I just…..what you are saying, I hear it now, I see that you're right. But at the time, leaving seemed the best choice…the ONLY choice…._

_I know…in the spur of the moment I would have probably done the same thing…I don't know…..I'm not blaming or judging you, I just want you to understand that you are not alone anymore in this life. You haven't been alone since the day you saved me from Ronnie…and I can't be who I am without you in my life, Nikita. _

_Oh, Alex….I know that…I really, really do! And I love you for that, so, so much! _

_I love you, too!_

Nikita and Alex hugged each other, needing to feel reconnected again. It's been too long since they had a talk like that and it felt good, liberating, the way it should be.

_And since this seems to be the moment of truth, _Nikita said pulling back and looking Alex in the eyes, _could we please talk about you, after I left? I really need to know Alex. I need to be here for you, even if it's three months too late. You need to talk, trust me!_

_Nikita, please, all I want is to just have this one day before I head back to Mumbai. I want to enjoy this day, to enjoy you being back in one piece and not in a body bag. I am happy and I want to stay that way even if for just a few hours. I am asking you to, please, do this for me. We will talk, I promise, but not right now. And you know…you kind of owe me one…for leaving me all bruised and battered, _Alex said with a mischievous look on her face.

_Alex, you are killing me, you know, _Nikita said laughing. _Okay, I'll let this go for now, but remember, you promised. And I never forget a promise. We will talk if it's the last thing I'll do in this life!_

_Ok, ok, sensei! Point taken! We'll talk! But right now, we eat! I am staaaarving and you know how I get when I'm hungry._

_Ouch, yeah, I know! And besides, I am quite hungry myself. Let's go grab something. Assuming there is anything in that fridge other than Red Bull and more Red Bull!_

_Oh, God, I'm scared now. How Birkhoff can survive only on that I'll never know._

_Right? Amanda doesn't need to kill him, he's doing it just fine by himself!_

Laughter filled now the huge space of their new home quarters. For anyone who didn't know what was happening, Nikita and Alex would be just two friends, travelling in style and going to grab lunch. And in that moment, they were just that. No Amanda, The Shop or the whole world on their tracks. Just them!


	5. Chapter 5

_**Chapter 5**_

Alex was just finishing writing her speech for the next day, when she felt a light touch on her shoulder. As always, Nikita crept up behind her, without her even noticing it.

_You have to teach me how to do that, because I never seem to be able to do it quite like you, _Alex said while receiving the cup of hot tea Nikita brought for her.

_I'll have to think about that. Giving up all my secrets could make me boring some day, _Nikita said winking at Alex.

_Oh, yeah, like that's going to happen in this life time, _Alex said laughing at the absurdity of that statement. _Wow, tea, I guess Birkhoff is really into living a healthy life these days, _she said with amusement in her voice, sipping the welcomed hot liquid.

_Wrong, it's Ryan we should be thanking for this unexpected treat!_

_Yeah, I guess I should've known Birkhoff would never give up his taurine fix._

_Pretty much!_

Nikita sat down on a chair next to Alex, content to just enjoy a cup of tea with her best friend.

_So, what are you working on? _

_Oh, just my speech for tomorrow. I'm supposed to talk in front of these girls who survived sex slavery and addictions, just like me, and I'm freaking out. The famous and infamous Alexandra Udinov, the scandalous Russian heiress is freaking out over a speech, _Alex said with a nervous laugh.

Nikita looked at hear warmly, knowing very well what Alex was afraid of.

_Alex, you have spoken before large crowds before. What's different now?_

_I don't know….it's just that these girls are…._Alex said, letting her head fall down, eyes focused on the cup in her hands. _Never mind, it'll pass, I'll be fine, I always am._

Nikita put her cup aside and lifted Alex's chin so she could look into those beautiful blue eyes that she loved so much. Alex's eyes were like an open book to her and she needed to see what was going on there and make sure Alex would hear and understand her every word.

_Alex, look at me…you are afraid…you have spoken before large crowds before, but this time it's different. These girls are just like you, survivors. Seeing them it will be like looking in the mirror and that scares the crap out of you. You are afraid that survivor's guilt will come back to haunt you. But Alex, as I have told you before, always remember that you surviving that hell it's someone else's chance at surviving, too. The fact that you survived shouldn't make you feel guilty, it should make you happy that you now have the chance to help thousands just like you. You are giving a lot of girls their lives back, their hopes of having a good life again. How could that ever be wrong? How could that ever make you feel guilty? You are a survivor Alex…and your mission now is to help others learn to survive, too. You have a gift and now it's the time to use it._

Alex looked at Nikita with tears in her eyes, knowing that leaving Mumbai and coming here was indeed the right choice. Only Nikita could give her such clarity about her life.

_Like you were the one who saved me, taught me how to survive, gave meaning to my life. I will never be able to thank you enough for that. _

_Alex, your presence in my life is all the reward I need. Saving you was saving myself. Was a chance to make right what I did wrong. You are my reward! _Nikita said with determination in her voice, making sure Alex really understood what she meant to her.

_Thank you for the pep talk, _Alex said, whipping a lone tear from her face.

_Anytime! And how about that speech? I would love to hear it._

_Would you, really?_

_Do you really have to ask? _

_Well, feel free to stop me when you get bored, Alex said reaching for her laptop._

_Don't you worry about that, just read, I'm all ears._

_Ok, but don't laugh to hard…._

_Alexxx, _Nikita said warningly.

_Ok, ok, point taken…..here it goes…_

"_Hello! My name was Sacha. And a few years ago I was just one of you. I've been thinking about what I'm going to say to you for a few days now. I've contemplated a big speech, full of motivating phrases and big words you would probably forget the minute I'm gone. I, too, heard them and they meant nothing until I've been told the story behind those words. So, today, I'm going to tell you Sacha's story. Your story. It all started with the death of my parents. They were killed and I was saved. I lived. I was then entrusted in the care of one of my father's employees, but he sold me to sex traffickers so he could feed his family. He gave the name Sacha, telling me to keep it if I want to live. So I did. My life as Sacha was a living, breathing hell. I was drugged on a daily basis and because of that I instantly became an addict. I was battered, bruised, raped, but most of all humiliated. I was nobody. Just a tool for money making. I lived in an underground establishment, sharing the smallest room you could ever imagine with many other girls just like me. I was only allowed to come out when I was asked to perform my duties and those were the only moments I ever saw the world outside. I never saw the sun, because we only performed at night, so the Moon was the highlight of my existence. Every time I was out, all I could do was stare at the moon. It was my only friend back then and I still find it miraculous. Somehow, I managed to escape Vlad, my owner, as he called himself. But that was only the beginning of another hell. By then drugs were the only thing I lived for and being on my own, with no money, was hard to get them. So I began to do what I did best, sex. I slept with everyone and anyone for a speed ball. I was a sex slave again…..but this time my own sex slave. My life meant nothing to me, so I couldn't care less if I lived or died. I was capable of anything for a dose. The way I lived, I would have surely ended up dead in a ditch somewhere, sooner rather than later. And that was fine by me. After all, I had nothing to live for. Until one day. One ordinary day, when the person who saved me before, when my parents got killed, saved me again. She got me clean, took care of me, nurtured me, taught me how to take care of myself and told me the story that got me into that miserable state. She gave my life meaning, purpose. She saved me then and she keeps saving me every day of my life. She became my best friend and my mentor. I wouldn't be here today, sharing this with you, if it weren't for her. But even after my life got back on track, I still had problems. This time with myself. I felt guilty and I am sure you all know what I'm talking about. I was constantly wondering why me? Why did I lived and my parents died? Why did I survived and most of the girls in the brothel didn't? Why was I so lucky, so special? I was first a spoiled, lucky child, then an addict whore. So why was I worth it? I am sure you are all wondering the same thing. Well this is the part when I will use big words and I'm asking you to please hear me, because your survival depends on it. I understand now that surviving that hell it's someone else's chance at surviving, too. The fact that I survived does not make me feel guilty anymore, it makes me happy. I now have the chance to help thousands just like me. To give girls like me and you the hope of having a good life again. How could that ever be wrong? How could that ever make me feel guilty? I am a survivor…I lived so that others can live and my mission now is to show you that it is possible to recover. I received a gift and now it's the time to use it. Life comes full circle and for me now is that time. Don't let the guilt eat you inside. I did and it only brought me death and pain. Get your lives back on track and spend it wisely, make right where you did wrong, help in return. Only then you will realize it's worth it, that you are worth it. So, now that I've shared with you Sacha's story, I can properly introduce myself. Hello again, I am Alexandra…..and I am a survivor!" _

Nikita's vision was blurred from all the tears and she was speechless. She couldn't move, she couldn't blink because she was afraid she would break down and cry forever. She never heard Alex speak like that about her life as a sex slave. Sure, she knew about it, but hearing it with those words was unbearable.

_Well, that last part about my mission and all I've just added it now from my head and going put it in my speech also. Your little pep talk gave me clarity you know? You always manage to do that, somehow…. _Alex was waiting for a reaction and when she got none, she started to freak out.

_Oh, God, that was totally lame and you hated it, right? And now you think I'm lame, which I probably am, I know. I will delete that and write it all ov….._

Alex's rambling was interrupted by a bone crushing hug. Nikita's hands were so tightly wrapped around her neck that she could barely breathe. She was a bit confused and being deprived of air in her lungs was not helping at all.

…_Can't…breathe….Nikita…._

Nikita pulled back in an instant, realizing that she might kill her friend from so much love. She whipped out her tears and looked deeply into Alex's eyes.

_Hey…are you okay? Did I say something wrong in my speech? I can write another one if this one is that bad, I didn't mean to…._

_Do you have ANY idea how impossibly PROUD I am of you? _Nikita said, getting herself back together.

_Nikita….._

_Never in a million years I would've imagined that the girl I saved just to right a wrong, would become such an essential part of my life._

Alex was staring at her mentor as tears began to form in her eyes.

_You have come such a long way, evolved so much. You bloomed. You are amazing Alex and I love you more than you will ever know. I am so, so proud of you! Don't ever forget that, please!_

_I won't…and I love you, too…more than anything. And I would have never made it without you._

_Yes you would have! I know now that you would have. You are so strong and so special. You would have done it. _After a moment of comfortable silence, Nikita spoke again. _Can I hug you now? I promise I won't try to kill you this time, _she said smiling.

Alex threw her head back in laughter and then hugged Nikita with all the love she had in her hart.


	6. Chapter 6

So, this is the last chapter. Could you believe this was supposed to be a one shot Nalex fanfic? Well, me neither! But stories do have a tendency to write themselves, so I ended up with a multi-chapter. I hope you enjoyed it and if you have any particular idea for a Nalex fiction you would like to read, just tell me and I will try my best to come up with something. Reviews are welcomed, as always! Thank you! Enjoy!

* * *

_**Chapter 6**_

Nikita was lying in her bed, trying to fall asleep. She still needed her rest after being shot. Looking to her right, she saw Alex was sleeping peacefully in a bed not very far from hers and smiled content at the thought that her friend was resting after a day filled with so many emotions. She closed her eyes again trying to fall asleep, when she suddenly heard Alex.

_N…no…NO…_Alex's voice became louder as she began to toss and turn in her bed.

Nikita's eyes shot open and she was on her feet in a matter of seconds. She realized Alex was having a nightmare again and she remembered what Birkhoff told her. Then memories flooded her all over again. Memories of Alex having nightmares, while there were just the two of them in their old penthouse. Back then, what haunted Alex's dreams were her parents being killed, but now, Nikita knew it was her who was tormenting her friend's mind. She rushed to Alex's bedside and tried to calm the girl down.

_Sshhh….it's ok, Alex, it's ok, I'm here now….It's jus…_

_No….Nikita….don't lea….I'm sorry…..don't leave…..don't leave me…._Alex was sobbing in her sleep and tears were streaming down her face.

_Alex….Alex, please, wake up, I'm here baby…..Alex, wake up, look at me!_

_NOOOOO…_Alex screamed as she opened her eyes in panic, not knowing where she was. _Nikitaa…._Alex said in a whimpering voice. _Where is Nikita?_

_Alex, look at me, I'm here. You are awake now, Alex, look at me! _Although she was dying inside, Nikita's voice was firm. She needed to be strong for her friend.

_Nooo, get away from meeee, I want Nikita! Where is she? _Alex's face was the definition of pain. Her eyes were unfocused and looking everywhere in the room.

Suddenly, Birkhoff came out of nowhere. He heard Alex's screams and knew exactly what was going on.

_Move, _he said, _I've got this!_

_Birkhoff, please, I can't leave!_

_Niki, step aside and let me handle this. I've been through it before, I know what to do, you'll be here for her later. Now move!_

Nikita reluctantly moved away from the bed and watched helplessly. It was all she could do for the moment.

_Alex, breeeathe, in and out, _Birkhoff said in a soothing voice. _Look at me, focus on my voice and breathe. You can do this. Come back, Alex, focus! _He was firmly holding her face, forcing her to look into his eyes. Slowly, Alex's rapid breath began to calm down. She stopped shaking and seemed to come back to reality.

_Birkhoff…where am I….what's happening…..did I….._Alex stopped mid sentence when she saw Nikita standing a few feet away, with a desperate look on her face and tears in her eyes.

_Yeah….you did…_Birkhoff said in a low voice.

_Oh, God…...I'm so sorry….._

_Hey, stop, you don't have to apologize. It's been a hard day for you. Are you ok now?_

_I think so….I'm good…_

_Then I'll leave you two alone. I think you need to talk…._

_Birkhoff…_Alex said, looking right into her friend's eyes, _Thank you!_

Birkhoff nodded understandingly and left the room.

Alex couldn't look at Nikita. She was embarrassed and sad that she had to see her like that. She didn't want her friend to know about her nightmares. Well, she knew about them, courtesy of Birkhoff, but she didn't want her to actually witness them. So she kept staring at her hands, hoping Nikita will let this go.

_Alex….._

"Here we go", Alex thought. Who was she kidding? After all, this was Nikita. She would never let such a thing go. It was definitely going to be a talk and she was not prepared for it.

_Nikita, please, I don't want to talk about it. It's fine. These things happen sometimes, but I'm sure it'll go away eventually, especially now that you're back. So, could we just let it be?_

_Alex…look at me…don't you know me by now? This is not FINE and we're not just going to let it go! Not anymore! So now I am asking you to talk to me. I'm here now, so let's talk. I can handle anything as long as we are being honest to each other, but I can't handle you hiding things from me. Okay?_

_Okay…_Alex reluctantly said. _But if I'm going to do this, you have to listen to me till the end and not interrupt me. _

_Deal!_

Alex took a deep breath and began to talk. It was now or never, she thought.

_It was my fault…..you left and it was all my fault…._

_Alex…_

_Nikita, don't interrupt me. We agreed on this!_

_Okay…..I'm sorry…..go on…._

_After I came back from Amanda I was all screwed up. I did nothing but fight you, I almost killed Ryan, I started a mutiny and I got Sean killed. But after everything I did, you still trusted me, defended me, came for me and brought me back. You trusted me and I failed you miserably. When you left I realized it was all my fault and that broke me. Sean was dead! Dead, Nikita! Because of me the man I loved was dead. We were all on the run and you were the most wanted woman in the world. All because of me! I wanted to die, to disappear forever. I was depressed, confused, mad….I was going crazy! But what killed me the most was not knowing if you were still alive. If I was ever going to see you again. I just couldn't breathe! You have no idea how many times I wanted to leave everything behind and come find you. Fortunately, Birkhoff was able to stop me once and then I stopped trying. In a rare moment of sanity, I realized that you taught me better and coming after you would have done more harm than good. I did what you would have done, I stayed. I somehow got back on my feet and moved on the best I could. But the guilt I felt never went away. I will never apologize enough for what I did. I disappointed you and you left. I am just a big, big disappointment to you and that thought is killing me….I'm sorry and I hope you'll forgive me some day….._

Nikita was speechless, numb. Could Alex really think she was a disappointment to her? Could her leaving have done such harm to the girl she loved with all her heart? What could she do now? How could she convince Alex she was anything but a disappointment?

_Nikita…please, say something….anything….._Alex said, looking into her friend's eyes.

_Alex…..I'm just…I didn't understand until now how much I have hurt you by leaving….._

_Nikita….you did no…_

_No, please, let me say this. And I am begging you to really listen to me and trust me that I'm saying the truth. Can you do that for me?_

_I can….._

_Alex…when I saved you from that fire, it was the first time I ever disobeyed Division's orders. It was the moment when I proved to myself what I have become. A better person. When I saved you again from Ronnie it was my chance to redeem myself. You gave me that chance. When we started this fight, together, only the two of us, I knew I finally have someone to live for. The stake was even bigger because now I had something to lose, too. You! I could lose you and that was not acceptable to me. When you took a bullet for me I realized that I had someone who would have my back for life. When I decided to stay and run Division, you stayed by me, no questions asked, even if that cost you your relationship with Sean. When Amanda took you, I wanted to move the earth to find you. When you relapsed, I wasn't there for you. When you weren't yourself, I didn't notice you. I failed you, not the other way around. When you went to save those girls I came for you because there was no other way. I couldn't let you die there alone. You jump, I jump, remember? But Alex…..never….and I mean NEVER in all these years have I ever been disappointed in you! Not even when you shot me, because I understood your confusion. Not even when you joined Amanda and fought against me. Not even when your mind was so messed up that you couldn't distinguish right from wrong. NEVER! If anything, I am proud of you. You went through all these horrible things and you pull through! You are the strongest person I know and disappointment is not a word I would ever use to describe you. I am proud of you, Alex. So proud I could explode! YOU are my biggest accomplishment! You are the proof that I did something good in this life! So, please, stop saying all this nonsense and most of all, stop saying you are a disappointment to me, because if I hear you saying it one more time, I swear I will kill you myself! Are we clear on that?_

Alex cried and laughed at the same time. It was liberating to hear all those things from Nikita. And she believed her, every word of it.

_Thank you…for everything…_Alex said, hugging Nikita tight.

_No, thank you!_

They stayed like that, hugging each other, for a few moments. Neither wanted to let go, but Nikita knew they both needed sleep.

_Okay…..now that the drama is over, we both need to rest. I was shot, remember? And you need a clear head for tomorrow. So, back to sleep. We'll be fine, Alex. Everything will be ok. We've been through hell, we'll make it this time, too. I have to believe this and you have to believe it, too._

_Okay…._

Nikita kissed Alex's forehead and stood up to get back to bed.

_Nikita….._Alex said, holding Nikita's hand

_Yeah….._

_Could you…..sleep by my side tonight? I want to feel safe, if only for just one night…._

_I would love it, Alex, _Nikita said smiling.

Alex joined their beds together and Nikita laid down next to her, holding her friend in a warm, comforting embrace.

Alex was happy. She felt safe and for the first time in months…..she could breathe! She knew that they had a long and hard battle ahead, but with Nikita by her side, she will never have to be afraid again.

_I can breathe now, too, you know…._Nikita said in a warm voice.

_Never let me go, Nikita…and never leave me again….._ Alex said, closing her eyes and just breathing in that beautiful moment, wanting nothing more than for it to last forever.

_Never…._

_**The End**_


End file.
